i know I’m made of that tougher stuff, & that, with time, it will all be okay… but it’s hard right now. really hard. i may go into detail when the pain of it all starts to ebb…

if only the walls could talk back…

maybe it’s the Aquarius in me.  i like to see both sides of an argument, & come up with valid points for both sides, but at the end of the day, it either IS, or it ISN’T.

you’re single.  i’m single.  i want to eventually be in a lasting relationship with a like-minded individual.  you’re not looking for anything serious.

you don’t want to be with me?  not a problem!

BUT…

don’t get mad once i find out your game plan & move on to more solid ground!

i’m not down with this epidemic of men acting bitch-like.  catching feelings & getting jealous when someone they DON’T want is moving towards finding happiness.

i’m speaking in the generic sense now, so if you know me on a personal level, feel free to stop trying to piece my posts together & figure out whether or not you know who i’m talking about.  you don’t

when you decide NOT to be in a relationship with a person, you IMMEDIATELY relinquish all rights to getting mad when they move on.  you didn’t want them.  you tossed them to the side.  so who the fuck are you to worry about who they’re with next?  it doesn’t concern you!

kind of like when you throw away an item of clothing.  maybe it’s too small.  too worn out.  no longer fashionable enough. whatever the reason… when you throw it away, it’s gone.  highly unlikely to, once you made the initial effort to dispose of it, come back to you with the same luster it once had.  so once it’s gone… let it go!  don’t ruin the next owner’s chance at happiness just because you were too foolish to cherish what you carelessly threw away.

What is the last thing someone bought you?
a bouquet of flowers randomly from Food Lion.

Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
a boy.

Have you made a mistake this past week?
yes…  procrastination is NO good.

Do you drink tea?
yes, but i haven’t in a while

When was the last time you had to deal with the police?
hehe.. june 5th 2009.

Have you ever stayed up at night waiting for someone to call/text you back?
the last time i was in a relationship…  never again will i waste precious sleep time doing shit like that

What do you get complimented on the most?
my hair color.  then my tattoo.  & my bootie

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
i’m alive; that’s always a good reason to

Is there something you’re not looking forward to?
yes. finishing up this paper that’s now… a good 2 weeks late.

Do you tell your parents everything?
definitely not.

Would you ever tattoo your significant other’s name on yourself?
no that’s fucking stupid

When did your last hug take place?
yesterday!

Are you a jealous person?
sometimes.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
i’ve been in one much longer than that.

Do you believe in love?
i do… i don’t think anyone else does, though.

Will you get married?
i know i will one day.

Does anyone like you?
yes.

Do you secretly like someone?
not in a schoolgirl kind of way.  too old for all that.  but i do have a soft spot for someone right now.

Are you a forgiving person?
only if the person has proved they’re worthy of forgiveness.

What were you doing at 4 am this morning?
wide awake playing donkey kong country 2

What’s something that can always make you feel better?
a kind word from a genuine person

Do you have both a loud side and a quiet side?
definitely.  i have my bouts where i love to talk, & other times, i’d rather just not say anything at all.

Are you a stressed out person?
i get stressed around finals time.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now?
in this towel, shower cap, & socks?  of course

Do you remember your dreams?
nowadays, i remember most of them

Does the last person who put their arm around you mean anything to you?
Not anymore.

Do you miss your past?
Portions of it.

Were you single on your last birthday?
Somewhat

Do you fall for people easily?
Depends on the setting

Do you have anything that belongs to your boyfriend/girlfriend/ex?
Yes

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
There’s 1 who could potentially mean the world, but it’s up to him to get the ball rolling this time around.

Do you think somebody is in love with you?
Not sure.

What would you do if your best friend died?
I’d be devastated.

Have you had sex with the last person you kissed?
Um

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name starts with A, J, L, R, S, K, G, C?
Yes.

What are you looking forward to?
May 2010.

Are you satisfied with your life as of now?
Won’t be satisfied until these long term goals are met.

Has anyone walked out of your life in the past 2 weeks?
3 weeks, yea.  Except i pushed his ass out.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
Yes.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?
He’d better not be, I didn’t do anything wrong (that he’s aware of)

Are you okay with making a total fool of yourself?
Depends on the drank!

What color shirt are you wearing?
Towel?

Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?
Yes… embarassing story to go along with that.

High heels or flats?
Heels

What is your desktop picture of?
Pretty colors

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yea.  Never saw it coming.

Is it possible to be single and happy?
meh

Have you ever kissed someone with a tattoo?
one of my old boyfriends had a few… so yes

If someone were to tell you they like you right now, would you care?
would depend on who told me.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
yea.  i only cig smoke socially

What’s the last song you listened to?
kid cudi – in my dreams

Are you dating the last person you talked to on the phone?
yuck, i wouldn’t date a girl

Whats a word that starts with the third letter of your first name?
asskicking

What were you doing at ten last night?
planting shit in farmville

How many letters does your crush’s name have it in?
b-i-l-l-y b-o-b t-h-o-r-n-t-o-n
15!

What was the last movie you saw?
some flick on lifetime

Has your current bf/gf ever cheated on you?
don’t have a current.

How long do you have until your birthday?
less than 3 months!

Do you miss someone?
yes…

Do you sleep with your door open or closed?
closed! can’t have people lookin at my goodies.

What do you want for your next birthday?
some boots & a playstation 3

Has anyone upset you in the last week?
Goodness yes.

What are you doing tomorrow?
driving home for my 5 day pre-holiday weekend

Has anyone said “I love you” in the past week?
no.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
who cares, he’s not important.

How late did you stay up last night?
went to bed at 6 am.

When was the last time you went to the mall?
last week.  it’s weird, i can’t remember why.

Do you currently have feelings for anybody?
yes…

Are you in a good mood?
nothing sour about it

and smell can really determine the type of impression you leave on people.  people that smell nice tend to be clean, and care about their outer appearance. a person can look nice, talk clearly, have perfect teeth, and glisten in the sunlight, but if they smell like butt, then that really says something about their hygiene.

that’s probably one of the reasons why i have such an addiction to hair and beauty products.  it doesn’t matter what it is, or how much it costs, as long as it smells good, i’m all about it.

at any rate, this paved the way to my latest addiction.  at first it was body lotions, then body spritzes, then EDPs (for those that aren’t quite so beauty savvy:  eau de parfum; highly concentrated scents with higher price tags)… now, i’m into scented candles.  i loved them in high school, but fell off for a few years, since i lived on campus at <my university> for 4 years, and candles would always set the smoke alarm off.

my only requirement is that they don’t smell floral.  floral scents make me nauseous.  i love musks, fruits, and food smells are my absolute favorite!

anyways, i’ve stocked up on Yankee Candle Vanilla Sandalwood candles.  Quality candles last much longer than bargain brands you can find at like, WalMart.  also, the scent quality is higher, & much more pungent, so you get a lot more bang.  for a lot more buck, of course. i love them because they fill my whole room with the smell of creamy vanilla and seductive sandalwood for DAYS.  i can light four of these, leave them lit for like 2 hours, blow them out, and have my room smelling like sandalwood 3 days later.  it’s awesome

so those were sweet on their own accord, but today i added to my candle collection:

febreeze vanilla & refresh candle

this candle is amazing.  i believe it’s a soy candle.  i can tell because one of my favorite things to do with a candle is dip my finger in the wax & let it solidify (i know, i know… dumb… but it’s fun & it makes my finger smell yummy).  the wax from this feels differently from normal beeswax candles.  it’s softer. i like it

and since it’s febreeze, it’s got awesome smell faeries that disperse into the air and suckerpunch your room with scent. (such a technical description!)  like, this is the strongest candle i’ve ever bought.  it’s been lit for the past 2 hours, and it’s even starting to fill my hallway with smell.  once it runs out (and it will soon, it’s been lit for a total of 3 hours today, and the wick’s about 1/2 way gone), i’ll buy it again, but not at retail value.  i’m sure i’d be able to find one cheaper online somewhere.

other people are me, heh.

i honestly don’t care.

i suppose when i came to <my university>, i had a passion for computing.  my father was in IT, and to a certain extent, he did inspire me to go down the same career path…  but somewhere between freshman and senior year, i lost all of my ambition.

couldn’t tell you why.

i guess i have no real motivation.

people ask me all the time, “why did you choose to major in computer science? not many girls like computers.”

<insert evil stare>

the answer i have for them now?  honestly?  because of the money.  i hate writing papers, so that ruled out every liberal arts major.  & i hate bodily fluids and sticky stuff, so out went the healthcare industry, biology, botany, and chemistry.

thanks to affirmative action, and company minority quotas, all i really need is a bachelor’s degree in computer science to make a cushy living for myself.  the industry’s essentially recession proof.  the only way an IT professional will be out of work is when the true-to-life version of the movie i-Robot comes to fruition, and computers start taking over the world and killing shit.  & the field of artificial intelligence (the area i’m most interested in when it comes to potential graduate studies) is not even close to that level of advancement.

all i need is a bachelor’s degree to make enough money to comfortably live off of for the rest of my existence.  and when i get married?  dual income.  w00t.  no real reason for me to get the higher degree & the fatter paycheck.

so because of that…  because i know, once i graduate, i’m DONE… i have zero motivation to rush through and finish.  what’s the point?  seriously… who cares?

(to all of those reading this who are now turned off by my lack of ambition… seriously, fuck off.  not everybody is trying to climb mt. Everest)

that’s not to say i don’t have things i’m passionate about.  i guess i’m like… if i go to school to get the high-paying job, and the checks from that job are going to buy me things i’ll really have a passion for… then why invest my emotional energy into school, when i can just aspire for THINGS?  like the fast cars, the cute clothes, the salon hair products (aveda ♥)

i don’t want to help people. nobody helped ME.  i don’t want to heal people, i don’t want to solve anyone’s problems.  i’ve got too much on my own plate.  i just want to do the bare minimum of what’s required of me so that i can live comfortably and buy fancy shit.  i’m all about that fancy shit.

after bringing this to his attention, he simply let me know that he had no desire to be in a relationship (despite him telling me about he cared about me & how we would be together if he wasn’t so busy with school & if i wasn’t so far away… leading me on, essentially), and that he’s exploring his options.

i guess i appreciate the honesty… but i really can’t express how much that hurt.  basically he shat all over EVERYTHING i’ve ever done for him.

i cooked for this kid.  i bought him stuff.  i stayed up on the phone with him late just because he wanted someone to talk to, no matter how early my classes were the next day.  i cheered for him when he got into grad school, & cheered even harder when he got into law school. i even lent him $1,000 over the summer because he couldn’t afford a new car.  and i NEVER loan anybody money.

& what did he do for me?  nothing, really.  whenever i needed someone to vent on the phone with, he’d half-listen, and always cut me off short, saying he had somewhere to be.  whenever i asked if he wanted to chill, he’d give some excuse about all the studying he had to do.  when it came time for him to pay back the $1,000 PLUS INTEREST he owed me, he gave me excuses about how he’d be too busy studying to drive TEN minutes away to my house to drop off the check…. (but the weekend before, he had NO issues traveling several hundred miles up to Boston to hang out with some girl FOR THE WEEKEND).  he talked down to me, insulted my family…  and had no respect for me whatsoever…

looking at all of this…  i guess our “friendship” wasn’t anything more than a parasitic relationship.  he sucked all he could out of me, and i came out emotionally drained at the end.

as sad as i am to lose a friend of so many years…  i’m proud of myself for finally standing up and realizing that i deserve SO much more in a friend.  at the very least, i deserve someone that won’t suck me dry & who will listen to me talk about how i do nothing all day.

i don’t ask for much.  but I’ve been praying about this situation for a while now, and I really need for God to take the pain of all of this away from me.  and if that means he needs to be 100% taken out of my life, i’ll gladly go along with it.

this entry didn’t really have a point, but it’s been heavy on my heart for a while. nothing wrong with a little vent every now and again.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1041028565636&ref=mf

basically it was some black girl talking about putting strawberries in her pee hole & still claiming she wasn’t a freak.

which got me thinking…  what happened to the saying, “lady in the streets, but freak in the sheets?”  you really don’t have to share with the world all the things you’d do to your man if you had one.  you are officially a freak if you feel the need to share with other folk your freaky business.

stuff like this makes me uncomfortable.  i mean, if you’re in the moment with somebody, of course beautiful music will be made…  but it’s like hearing somebody talk about food when you’re starving & on a budget.  i don’t need to hear all that right now.

just one of those things that made me go “hmm”… and then shake my head.

that is all.

but i have to admit, sometimes, it’s as if all i really need to get by in this life is some bomb-ass weed, loud wild & crazy balls-to-the-wall sex, & good times with friends who are just as crazy as i am…

it’s tough leading this double life, and sooner or later i’m going to have to make a choice…